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Adding                                                                            LJ00001

Little Johnny was busy doing his homework. As his mother approached she heard:

"One and one, the son-of-a-bitch is two."
"Two and two, the son-of-a-bitch is four."
"Three and three... "

His mother interrupted, asking where he had learned this way of doing math. Little Johnny remarked that his teacher Ms. Margo taught him.

His mother was rather upset and told him to stop the homework. The next day she stormed into Little Johnny's classroom and confronted Ms. Margo. Little Johnny's mother told Ms. Margo about Little Johnny's different way of doing math, and his claims that Ms. Margo taught it that way to the class.

The teacher was flabbergasted. She said that she couldn't understand why Little Johnny had said what he did. Then suddenly, Ms Margo exclaimed, "Oh, I know, here in school we say, one and one, the sum-of-which is two."





A Gift for Teacher                                                         LJ00002

Little Johnny brought a box wrapped with a red ribbon to school, as a present for his teacher. He handed it to her.

She started to guess what was inside. "Chocolates?" she asked.

"Nope."

"A Cake?"

Johnny shook his head No.

Then the teacher noticed some liquid dripping from the corner of the box. She caught a few drops on her finger, put the finger in her mouth then said, "Ah, I know-dill pickles."

"No," Johnny said, "it's a puppy."





New Teacher                                                                 LJ00003

A new teacher was giving an assignment to her class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the male students. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny Pat?"

"Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters."

"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days."

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"

"Well teacher, I just saw both of your garters."

Again she yells, "Get out of my classroom!" This time the punishment is more severe, "I don't want to see you for three weeks."

Embarrassed, she drops the eraser when she turns around, so she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an all out belly laugh from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you are going?" she asks.

"Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over."






Abstract Logic                                                               LJ00004

The teacher was putting her class through a lesson in abstract logic.

"Now Johnny," she asked, "if a policeman found a watch on a tramp,what would you naturally infer about the watch?"

Johnny promptly replied,, "That it was on the bum."





Acting                                                                            LJ00005

Little Johnny's dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment. Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.

Little Johnny enthusiastically announced that he'd gotten a part. "I play a man who's been married for twenty years."

"That's great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they'll be giving you a speaking part."





10 Commandments                                                        LJ00006

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the ten commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to "Honor thy father and thy mother," she asked "Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?"

Without missing a beat Little Johnny answered, "Thou shall not kill."





Addition                                                                         LJ00007

Teacher: If I had seven oranges in one hand and eight oranges in the other, what would I have?

Little Johnny: Big hands!





Alabama                                                                         LJ00008

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50. Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes.

He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done. His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble. Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end.

That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school. His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."

The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed".

This confused him. That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.

"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."





Alligator                                                                         LJ00009

One day, Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water for cooking dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hightailed it for Grandma's kitchen.

"Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him.

"I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG ol' alligator down there!"

"Now don't you mind that ol' alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!"

"Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared of me as I am of him, then that water ain't fit to drink!"





Amen                                                                              LJ00010

During a children's sermon the pastor asked the children what ’Amen’ means.

Little Johnny raised his hand and said:  "It means... tha-tha-tha-that's all, folks!"
 

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